Curseings of a Mad Lucario
by rennan
Summary: So an average Joe gets pulled from his daily routine and plopped into the body of a riolu and immediately captured by an up and coming trainer. Follow him as he takes a ridiculously long adventure full of F-bombs rage and jerks, when all he really wants is a beer and some human women to hit on. This is the story of a disgruntled lucario. Image is not mine, rated t for language.
1. well this sucks

Please note that pokemon does not belong to me. Any and all rights go to someone else whose name I cannot think of at the moment. Also beware that they s fix has a lot of cursing in it.

"I really hate today." I sat there grumbling to myself. "Stupid Arceius and his stupid god powers."

Now your probably wondering why I'm grumbling to myself about this day and gods in the middle school of the woods, its very simple in a fucking stupid way. Arceius swooped down from on high, simply to fuck with my day. And I don't mean that I fell down a couple of times or I got fired, no.

He literaly walked in front of me in all his magestic glory and turned me into a Pokémon. No reason at all he just zapped me chuckled and disappeared.

I don't even know what kind I am! I'm this little blue raccoon dog thing and I'm like two foot tall. This really sucks, I don't even know why he transformed me. I don't hate pokemon, before I was just your average Joe had a normal office job, a normal house, a normal family, for Arceius's sake I'm not even in the military. No wait not Arceius's sake, he's an ass. Mew, for mews sake.

So here I am sitting in the middle of the woods, done with the initial freakout, pissed off cause I'm an over grown smurf. This could not get any fucking worse.

'Rustle'

Me and my big mouth. I didn't even bother to see what it was I just ran, or at least tried to. I still havn't got the hang of my new legs but my face made good friends with the ground, so yay. I pushed myself out of the dirt only to see five little grey puppies surrounding me.

Oh I've heard of these things Their called umm... poofle something. One barked at me he seamed a bit bigger than the others. He must be the leader, or he's the special kid of the group, I don't know. Either way they looked pissed off, I must be in their territory or something.

"Nice puppies, good puppies, don't eat the blue dog thing." I said as I got up and slowly backed away. With each step back they took a step forward.

Come on think man think! Bunch of wild hungry pokemon in front of you, your in a new body in the middle of the woods. Wait! I'm a pokemon! That means I have super powers! Alright what do I use, I'm blue, waters blue so I'm a water type right? Alright here goes nothing. I took a deep breath and called upon the knowledge of my bodies instinct letting the power fill me. I took aim and...

"PPPPPPPPPPTTT...uh... the was supposed to be a watergun."

Utter failures aside I decided that running would be a much better tactic. So I ran, apparently death is a good motivater for getting your shit together and learning to run, and man could I run. I ran so fast in fact that I forgot that looking in front of you is an important factor and that looking behind you while running is a very stupid and painfull idea. Take this cliff for example, if I looked ahead I would have noticed it and turned left or right.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH OOOFF!"

Oh look arceius isn't done with me yet, he sent a big ass bird to eat me next, joyous day."um if its okay with you I'd like to be put down now." To my surprise he complied, forty feet up off the ground. Now once more with passion. "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" you know falling gives you a lot of time to think. I thought about today, why I took a walk through the woods instead of a sidewalk. Why turn me into a pokemon, what kind of pokemon am I? Wow look how close the ground is.

'WUMP'

ππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππππ beep...beep...beep...beep...beep...

Augh my head.

Beep...

That was a weird ass dream.

Beep...

What is that infernal beeping.

Beep...

I cracked my eyes open slowly trying to assess the situation. Im in a big glass tube, great. The beeping was coming from my right. I looked down at my self and... fuck that wasn't a dream. I'm still blue and two foot tall. That means two things I'm in the pokecenter, someone brought me here, double fuck. Well as long as I'm here I might as well get a better look at myself, I was to busy freacking out in the woods to get a good look. Let's see, I'm short and have blue and black fur with little metal ovals on my hands-err paws. I had black legs and a tail with a crook in it, my ears seemed like big fluffy ovals that hung down the sides of my head. I had little sensors attached to me all over. It became clear that the beeping was a heart moniter very soon after my self examination.

'Tap tap tap tap'

My ears perked up at the sound of approaching footsteps.

"Why hello there little one you gave us quiet a scare" I looked up to see the great big smiling face of nurse joy. Damn she looked huge." Your trainer brought you in said he found you in the forest." Wait trainer? I belong to some snot nosed kid now no no no no no nonononononooo.

"FUCK!"

She jumped back at that surprised that I could talk idifnt care I was already on a roll with my language. "FUCK FUCK FUCKIDY FUCK! OF ALL THE ASANINE DUMB FUCKERY OF TODAY I HAD TO GET STUFFED UP IN A POKEBALL FOR SOME SNOT NOSED TWAT TO MAKE ME BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF STUFF! NO I REFUSE TO GO ON WITH THIS SHIT BASKET OF A DAY! I GOT AN IDEA LETS TAKE A WALK IN THE MEW DAMNED WOODS IT'LL BE HUNKY FUCKIN DORY. ARCEIUS. YOU. FUCKING. ASSHOOOOOOOOLE." Sitting back down to catch my breath I looked over at nurse Joy needless to say she was rather shocked.

"...The fuck are you looking at."

Π^_^Π

Arthur's note

So this is my attempt at humor. In the past I've noticed that people leave the cursing rant out of the story but I felt that this would be a good time for a rant like that. I had fun with it and if any of it offended you, then fuck off. So next chapter we meet the trainer and don't worry its not ash


	2. Chapter youll never take me alive!

Please note that Pokémon does not belong to me. Pokémon and all its merchandise belongs to someone else whose name escapes me.

'I hope that poor Pokémom is okay.' I thought to myself, I had heard yelling a few hours ago but not much else.

Suddenly the doors to the back room open and out stepped nurse Joy carring the little riulo... who was cursing up a storm. Huh?

"-ont you dare take me out there, do you hear me I will watergun the pretty pink shit out of you, you bitch! Put me down fuck goblet, I don't want to be some little shits pet! I'll fucking bite you, I'm serious, I'll bite you right on your fucking boob, wouldn't be the first time I bit someones tits! Put. Me DOWN!" The extremely tired looking nurse dropped him right in front me with a resounding thud. She looked me dead in the eyes and simply said. "Good luck." Then walked away. Well that's foreboding, I'm sure he can't be that bad, probably just angry that he was captured, yeah lets go with that.

I looked down to see the little blue dog like Pokémon staring back up at me with hate filled eyes.

"Um hi I'm Jake your new trainer." I offered weakly hoping to start off on the right foot. He simply stared at me with malice. "So you can talk, I've never met a pokemon that could talk before you must have so much to sa-"

"Kid" he cut me off. "shut the fuck up."

Did he just call me kid? I'm like four feet taller than he is, I'm sixteen for arceus's sake.

I frowned at him, he might be a bit difficult to train. Oh I know what to do! Maybe if I show him the rest of my team he'll calm down a little. I brought out two pokeballs and clicked the little buttons on them. Two crimson flashes beamed out in front of me showing a ralts and a tailow side by side grinning happily at me.

The riulo didn't flinch, in fact he seemed to stare even harder at me. Marcy, my ralts, walked up to the newcomer but quickly backed away when riulo turned to face her.

"Alright thats quite enough of that, look your part of this team now whether you like it or not, so just suck it up and get over it." I returned his glare full force.

He responded with." Suck my big. Blue. Cock." Lovely.

I sighed this was going to suck.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Great at least I'm not stuck with a ten year old, stupid fucking arceus and his stupid fucking rules. While I was in there he popped up again and told me that I'm not allowed to tell anyone I'm really a human. Didn't stop me from trying but all that came out was, and I quote, "farfle snoogin." So yeah bastard's got control of my vocal cords.

Anyway, Jeb, or whatever his name is, decided to put me in a pokeball, I respectfully declined but he simply wouldn't have such attrosities as walking happen.

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

"NOOOOO, FUCK YOU!"

"COME HERE AND GET IN YOUR BALL!"

"CATCH ME FIRST YOU LITTLE ASS GOBLER!"

•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Needless to say he caught me when he remembered that the ball shoots a little laser thing.

Being inside a pokeball feels weird, kinda like your not all there, but you can see and hear just fine, It feels trippy as balls, heheh pokeballs. Anyway until I figure out how to get out of here I'll just have to watch people walk along. Unfortunately I'm right at hip level so all I can see is grown man ass, though the occasional hot chic walking by makes up for it a bit.

We had been walking for what seems like hours all over this damned town. First we went to a store then he went to eat at a diner, but now it seems like were finally leaving.

Hmm wonder how long until someone notices I'm missing. Probably around wendsday thats drinking day at my house with all my buds, they'll notice I'm gone. It's not like they'll find me. So I'm stuck with this twerp. Speaking of George seems like we stopped, suddenly a giant hand blocked my view. Then I felt like I was flying then suddenly I'm standing on the ground infront of him.

"Alright team here is the plan, were going to set up camp here for tonight. You three get to know each other while I'm gone. Don't run off, that means you riolu."

"Joe" I corrected him "if I'm going to travel with you, then your going to use my actual name."

He raised an eyebrow at that. "Are you sure you've never had a trainer before?"

"Positive." I stated. "Now go fetch some fire wood I'm getting cold."

He just hung his head and trudged off into the brush, muttering under his breath. I snorted in disdain and turned to face the bird and the weird white thing.

"So" the green and white one stared. "My name's marcy. You said yours was joe, that's cool, don't worry about James he's actually an OK human when you get to know him." She smiled sweetly, I stared back blankly.

"...you can talk?" Now she looks really confused.

"Umm... yes?" Oh right I'm a pokemon now, they talk to each other and stuff.

"Sorry, I've just had a really fucking bad day."

"Hey you shouldn't use that kind of language, you'll get in trouble." Get in trouble, what the fucks going to happen, I'll get grounded? I don't think so, so I demonstrated as such.

"Purple pussy eater in a bag of dicks and rainbow fucktards danceing in a field of shit™." Well that got her riled up, now she's glowing, why is she glowing!

That was how much learned that Marcy has a type advantage, and gets pissed of very easily. So yeah, that really fucking hurt.

&#%# #&%$%&&*&*&$$*##$&$&#*#%+*$#

Arthurs notes

So yeah that was that. Kinda proud of that last curse there but also happy that I introduced Marcy, she going to be fun to worn with. And just in case your wondering Jeb and George are actually James, Joe just can't remember his name. I swear if that explanation was necessary then my faith in humanity is lost. Oh and we found out our heroes name, Joe cause he's average. I'm sick of every story have the main character trying to be super different with like military training or kung fu mastery. So I did the most original thing I can think of,made him average. The bad language is probably more common than you think he's just a little more forth Coming with it.


	3. glowy bitch slap

Pokemon belongs to someone else. Not me deal with it.

I don't know what she did but it feels like I experienced an entire hangover in span of five seconds. Fucking hippo bras that sucked, why was she so pissed I didn't deserve that. I shook my head to try and clear it.

I turned back to her, hatred flaring in my eyes. I don't give a shit if she looks like a little girl, she's about to get bitch slapped for that. Curling my paw into a fist and swung.

And hit air, she had jumped back impossibly fast. Then she disappeared, oh shit she was never real, I'm dre-PAAAAIIINNN. Nope I was wrong she's still here right in front of me closer than last time, some how that made the glowy thing she did earlier even worse. I threw another punch and barely glanced her before she disappeared again reappearing around fifteen feet away. Still glowing but I could only feel a small trickle of pain in the back of my head, I didn't let it show.

She scowled before disappearing again, I was ready for it this time and whipped around just in time to catch her across her face with my palm, which was for some reason glowing yellow.

Apparently yellow is a good color because she was launched a good five feet away, straight into a tree. The bird thing quickly flew up to my face sqwacking and battering me with its wings.

"AHH FUCK!" I swatted at him wildly but it managed to miss him each time.

"WHAT HAPPENED!" Oh hey Jerry's back. He dropped the thick branches he was carrying and ran towards marcy. He quickly scanned over the unconscious Pokémon determining whether or not she was hurt. Satisfied that she was fine he quickly whipped around to face me. Angry etched across his face.

"She hit me first!" I pointed at her, quick to put the blame on someone else.

"I don't believe a word of that, getting captured is no reason to take your anger out on Marcy! If your really that mad about it just talk it out!" Anger was leaking into his tone as he stared me down, I wasn't scared. I could just glowy punch him if he got too violent.

"You sound like a fucking Saturday morning cartoon, 'hey kids don't fight bullies, tell an adult!'" I replied mockingly.

"Arceus your immpossible!" Definitely rageing now. "Just... just behave ok." Now he seems defeated. I considered what had happened today, I had been a complete pain in the ass to this guy when he was only trying to help. I mean, hell, he probably saved my life after the cliff. Least I could do is behave.

I sighed. "Fine I'll behave a bit" he looked surprised by that. "On one condition, keep little miss mind fuck away from me and we won't have a problem, deal?" I held out my hand paw thing. He glanced at it for a second considering my offer with extreme intensity, but only for a second before he grabbed and shook me hand.

"Deal."

And that was the start of a sub-par friendship.

It was dark now, we had a campfire had finally woken up a few hours earlier and now she just sat there glareing at me from across the fire with presumably eyes full of malice, its not like I can see her eyes through all that green hair. Wait how can she see me, must be weird freaky pokemon powers.

Speaking of powers I learn my shiny shiny paw attack thing was called force palm, and that I'm a fighting type not a water type, go figure. Anyway I also found out that bird brain can talk too, he just prefers not to.

"So" I started "where we headed to anyway."

"PetalBurg, I heard they have a gym out there from another trainer. Were going to try and defeat the gym leader up there. After that its off to Rustburo to visit some family." Replied james. "My cousin in fact, I haven't seen her in years, I wonder how she's been doing all this time."

I of course said the first genltemanly thing that popped in my mind.

"Is she hot." In my defence that sentence was uttered without a single curse word.

His eyes got real big at that and he started sputtering nonsense.

"I-I-I wha- but- bu-!"

"So she has a nice butt?" I teased, this guy was just to easy.

"You said you would behave!" He blurted out.

"No I said I would behave a bit, don't stifle my creativity man. Besides I'm just asking."

"But your a pokemon! You shouldn't even be attracted to humans!"

"Its a fetish thing." I answered with a straight face.

"Dude that's nasty."

"Not as nasty as you thinking your cousin has a nice ass."

"I DIDN'T SAY SHE HAS A NICE ASS!" He screamed, he blushed and clapped his hand over his mouth once he realized what he had done.

"Half of the forest just heard that." He blushed even more. Jeeze this guy has like no defence against this kind of shit at all. Probably was going to try and rely on his pokemon to do the talking for him when this stuff occurred. Just didn't expect to be talked back to by the super powered animals.

We sat in silence for a while just listening to the fire and the sound of zubats chirping all around us. It gave me time to think, to think about how to get out of this mess. How to tell him I'm a human without Arceus stopping me or making me blurt nonsense. Or how I used that weird force palm thing and if I can do that then what else can I do. I finally broke the silence with a question.

"Does she have a nice rack?"

"Grooooaaannn"

There's chapter three I'm trying to put one out a week at least, but I get major writers block so if you want help you can make a suggestion in the reviews to help out. It would help with getting them out a lot sooner. Thank you


	4. cha-ching

Pokemon does not belong to me. I don't know who it belongs to, probably should look that up, but I can't be bothered.

*&# $&#&#%*#$*+%#&$ #&*#$ &*#%#%

Morning

"Uuuugh how much fartheeer." I whined, it felt like I had been walking for hours. As soon as wke woke up we pack our things and left for the next city.

"You didn't have to walk you know, I could just put you in your pokeball." Replied James, Marcy and Simon were traveling on his belt in those capsules of nothingness.

"Fuck that. Those things are creepy as hell."

"How so?"

"Tell you what, let me see one and I'll show you."

He frowned at me. "Why are you such a jerk?"

"I blame television."

"Okay stop." He looked angry, I wonder what crawled up his ass.

"Stop what, being a jerk? If so no can do."

"No not that" he stated. "You know way to much about human culture to never of had a trainer before. You even talk for Arceuses sake!"

"Im not telling you why." I replied dismissively.

"Why not!"

"Cause I'm a dick." His eye started to twitch as he came to a complete stop.

"That's it. No reason other than to be a jerk? Seriously!?"

Oh this was to much fun, maybe being a pokemon won't be so bad.

"HEY YOU!"

My head whipped around to see a kid, probably in his pre-teens wearing a ble short sleeve shirt pants and a grass hat.

He was running up to us and trying to wave us down. When he finally reached us he oil ted directly at James and said.

" I challenge you to a battle!"

James looked at him then looked at me then back to him, then smiled.

"I accept!"

Oh shit, why do I feel like I'm about to have my ass handed to me.

"Alright Joe your up!" That dickhead had the biggest shit eating grin I'd ever seen.

"Bu-" I couldn't get out a responce in time before the new kid called out his pokemon.

"I choose you! Wurmple!" A big ass caterpillar. Arceus, this thing was ass big as my arm, but that didn't catch my eye immediately, no something else caught my eye.

"Its got an ass for a face!" It did, right where its mouth should be.

"Holy moly! Your pokemon can talk?!" Oh right forgot about the whole talking pokemon thing. Tell you what, he's done nothing for me sooooo...

"Your pokemon looks like a giant dick!" Let's unload as many insults as I possibly can before I get my ass kicked shall we?

"Hey! That's it, Wurmple use string shot!" He commanded angrily, the big ass bug proceeded to spew white stuff from...its...face.

"AAAHHHH! Don't touch me with that shit! Thats nasty as fuck!" I jumped out of the way before it could so much as touch me.

"Joe, don't just stand there, attack!" Yelled James sounding a bit irritated.

"Fine asshole, I'll go step on it or something." I called back to him, this was going to suck I could tell.

I ran towards it as much as I could before it spouted more stringy shit at me.I wasn't lucky enough to dodge it in time so it quickly covered everything it touched.

Before I knew it my feet was covered in the stuff, pinning me to the ground.

"Mankey fucker, that's disgusting!" I called out as I struggled to wretch myself out of the sticky goop.

"Simple use tackle!" I looked up the see the giant penis launch itself at me

"What? Oh Fuck!" I managed to pull one foot free just in time to kick it in the face.

"Hah, take that you over grown worm!"

"Simple get behind him and use tackle again!" Wait, what, oh shit shit shit shit! I was practicly ripping at the bonds now. Come on, come on! Yes! Hah in yo-OOFFF!

I ripped my leg free from the ground only to be knocked flat on my face. You know what remember when I said this wasn't so bad? I take it back this really fucking sucks.

"Again wurmple, tackle!"

"Fuck that!" I jumped up and spun around with my arm raised. "Glowy Bitch SLAP!" I swung my super charged palm towards its face.

'WHAAMM' 'Wump' Oh damn that looked like it fuckin hurt. It was a direct hit to the cranium, which launched it into a nearby boulder. Haha dumb bug.

"Wurmple!" The bug trainer ran up to his pokemon. "Are you alright!?" The bug responded with a garbled chirping sound.

"Don't worry about wurmple you did good, return." He recalled the injured worm into its pokeball.

"Well you won so here's your prize money, I should pick my fights more carefully." Wait prize money? Oh that motherfucker better give me a cut or I'm going to bitch slap him into a convenient nearby object.

As soon as the kid counted out the money he went on his way, supposedly to find a pokecenter.

"Hey, where's my cut?" I barked at him, heh 'barked' I'm a dog thing.

"Your cut of what?" He looked at me confusedly. Raising an eyebrow to signal that he didn't know what I was talking about.

"The fucking money, I did all the work back there, I should get some of the damn cash!"

"What would you buy, your a pokemon?"

"Oh you know, snacks, knick knacks, bitches." He seemed a little surprised by that but only a little, I think he's getting used to the dirty jokes, I'll have to crank it up a notch.

"Your not getting any of the money." He stated as if it was a fact. Yeah right, that cash was as good as mine.

"I get a cut or I'll tell next police officer I see that you molested your pokemon." I said with a straight face. He simply glared at my with both confusion and shock.

"Your lying." He stated, unsure.

"You think I am but I already don't like you I have no reason to stay with you. Besides its not all the money, just like, err twenty percent." I'm a fair man, he's got to buy camping shit and food for everybody, but I'm still human on the inside and I know money gets you places.

"Fine" he counted out about twenty bucks and handed it to me. "Just don't spend it all on candy."

Still lecturing me like a child hmm? Will see how childish it is when I buy a bottle of scotch.

Or whiskey, I like whiskey


	5. booze beer and bitches

Pokemon belongs to someone else, I swear ill look that up some day. Probably some weird Japanese shit, oh well.

:::::::::::::::

Finally, we got out of that horrible Forrest. We had been following the trail on the map for two days now to finally reach Petalburg, famous for... petals I guess, no clue. Doesn't matter, all that matters is that I now have two hundred dollars to blow on drugs bitches and booze. Probably just booze though, no chick wants to sleep with a blue fuzzy ass midget. Though if I play my cards right, hmmm, yes this could work. Any way PetalBurg, yay it seemed to be plopped down in the middle of the Forrest with all the trees squeezed in between the buildings.

"Hey James."

"What do you want now Joe." He groaned. Jeeze I haven't worked you that hard, suck it up oh great trainer of magical beast. Acts like he never spent a weekend lost in the woods.

"Where's your cousin live, my feet are killing me, I got a strange itch, I'm hungry, I need a fucking bath ands some pants."

"Pants? Why do you need pants your a pokemon."

"Cause my jimmies are getting rustled and cold, besides yours don't hang out."

"Fine, but your buying them."

"Cheapskate"

"Scrooge" Oh so he can come up with a decent comeback, needed work though. "I think she lives on the far side of town, in an apartment building, come on let's go find a pay phone and call her."

Hopefully this place won't be as bad as the Forrest. As he walked off to find a phone I thought over my options. Stay with the jerk or find booze, jerk or booze, jerk or booze.

Booze.

$&#%*&#*%#*$*#&&$&&$*

Hmm, strange I haven't heard a witty remark or horrible vulgarity in at least fifteen minutes, maybe something wrong.

"How are you holding up Joe." I waited for a responce, nothing.

"Joe?" I looked behind me to see an empty street devoid of life.

He's gone... he, he just left. No he woulndnt do that. He maybe a inconsiderate jerk but deep down I know he's just a scared kid. He must have gotten sepperated some how, oh no. What if someone stole him! I mean I've never seem a pokemon like that before what if someone thought he was a rare pokemon and pokenapped him, no no no this is bad, very bad! I gotta find him! He must be so scared right now!

"SIMON, MARCY!" I threw the out my other two Pokémon quickly. "We've lost Joe and we've got to find him. He could be scared, cold, hurt or worse. Simon take to the skies and come find me if you see him, Marcy your with me. Let's go!" I took off like a bullet quickly scooping up the small ralts and setting her on my shoulder.

I just hope were not to late.

*%$+(#%%#&#-%&%&#-%(-#+$

"So let me get this straight, you want me to go buy you a bottle of whiskey and in return you'll give me twenty bucks."

"Yes why is that so difficult to understand, just get me my booze!"

"Sorry its just I've never met a talking pokemon, let alone bought booze for one I usually buy it for teens."

I had finally found a liquor store in this town with a shady back alley buyer, he was surprised that I could talk, even more so when I wanted alcohol. I remember when I did this as a kid, oh the memories.

"Look I'm like twenty in human years I'm just really small. Besides it not illegal to provide a pokemon liquor, is it."

"No I suppose not, alright you got your self a deal." And with that he walked away towards the entrance.

Hopefully its the good whiskey.

%-# *-$ %*#*-$*%%-$#%¢*$*

It was night time now and still no sign of the misplaced riulo. I was beginning to lose hope that he could be found. Great I don't even have my first badge yet and I've lost my pokemon. No this isn't about me this is about Joe. Where could he be?

&*#%-(# %*$ %-+&$##

Earlier that day.

"So this is the plaace I was tulking about bud." Said my new drinking buddy the shady booze buyer. Oh wait were here, cool an old pub were going to have a good time here.

"You know" I began as we drunkedly stumbled towards the front door "your al'ight for a drug dearer."

"No- not drugs, booze." He corrected as he fumbled with the door nob. He started to grunt as he tried to turn it only to realise it was a push door. "Oh."

He swung the door open and gave a good yell.

"IM BAAAACK and I'm drunk." He was met with a happy cheer from the bar patrons. "And I brought a friend!" He grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and lifted me for all to see. Not knowing what to say in this situation I yelled the first thing I thought of.

"BOOOOOOZE!" I had the biggest grin, I think its hard to tell through all the whiskey. They gave another cheer to that.

He dropped me onto the bar and slid a beer down to me.

Let's see beer, drunks, a drinking buddy, I'm in my element!

"Hey you" I said to the closest drunkard I could find. He was a big biker dude leather jacket bandana and bushy beard, the works. "Twenty bucks says I can drink you under the table." I pulled out a wad of cash and slammed it on the counter, I confident grin on my face.

He seemed to think it over for a second unsure if I was serious.

But only a second.

$&#&#&#&&-$-##*-###*#%%$&

"GO GO GO GO GO!" screamed the bar patrons as I gulped down my fifteenth shot of vodka.

'CLACK'

My glass slammed down on the table. My opponent just looked down at his glass before heaving under the table and letting out a horrible wet wretching sound followed by a wet smack. Heh heh heh drunk used water gun.

The crowd let out a great cheer at his defeat.

"WOOOOO I WAAN!" I yelled out in excitement as I grabbed my earnings, knocking down several glasses it the process.

Hmm I wonder what James is doing.

% %-$#*#%-$#*-#*#&#&

We'll that's it for now. Next we'll see how drunk Joe interacts with people oh and tell me if I made a mistake in grammar somewhere. Except when Joe talks drunk, that's there on purpose. Please leave a review, it helps get out updates faster.


	6. bear its guud fer jou

So yup still haven't looked up that damn name. Could do it right now, I mean, hell, I write this on my phone. Also

that's why there's a lot of strange mistakes. Fucking autocorrect.

So yeah, still don't own pokemon, damn it.

&*$#*-## $**%# $*-#$¢°€^=°££°_£¢°

"So so so I sais ta him- I says 'yur poketmon luuks like a dyke!"

"Hahahahahaha ha ha, thin vhat did he does."

"He mude it shot white shit frum its face."

"No fucking waay!"

"Seriously bot I kickeded its arse and blackmailed that dick of a traner to gave me a cut of da money."

My new bar buddies gave another hardy laugh to my retelling of a my first Pokémon battle ever.

"What did he say he was gonna do to ya's Jimmy?" One of the drunks asked the dealer that got me drunk in the first place. He took a minute to register he had been asked a question but answered in the only way he could.

"He ain't mine." The other patrons seemed confused.

"He ain't?" They questioned.

"Nah I just bought em some booze." Booze! I'd really like some more of that amazing liquid right now. With its heavenly aroma and bitter bite, mmmm beer.

I drunkenly crawled over the counter as the others were distracted.

'Thud' heh heh, Joe fall down go boom, heh heh.

Hmm, if I were beer where would I be. Oh I know, my stomach! Oh wait, let's see.

My eyes flashed around trying to decide what to take, hmmm.

There's whoopers, Ekans oil, oh what about chimecho hopps.

Then I spotted it, it looked so beautiful in the dim light of the bar. Its delicate glass prison the only thing keeping me from the delicious honey colored liquid inside.

Goldeen schnapps, oh come here you delicious bastard.

$-*$$#%&&$#%-&%# $&*&%##

(Much later)

It was to late in the night to keep searching for him. Marcy and Simon were exhausted and I could use the rest myself. It was far to late in the night to call my cousin for a place to stay.

'Sigh' "Guess I'm spending the night at the pokecenter, we'll have to start searching again in the morning."

Suddenly something caught my ear. Is that music? Its getting louder, sounds like someone strumming on a guitar.

Maybe he's over there, couldn't hurt, its on the way to the center. As got closer I could make out voices, all singing. As I rounded the next corner I made out the lyrics.

"We're gonna tell you about our younger days

When our health was good but our minds was crazed

By chemical interactions in our brains,.

Yes we got HIGH you know its true but what we're about to relate to you will keep you just like us from going insane!"

That's when I saw him, stumbling at the lead of what could only be twenty drunken men sing at the top of their lungs with one holding a boombox over his head blaring out music, holding a beer bottle. I just stood there unsure what to do.

"Cause you know

beer is good for you

Beer is good for you

beer is good for you

Here's too you!

Beer is good for you!

Dark or light its brown as honey

worth its weight in gold and money

Oh baby that beer is good for you

Gives your tongue a tingle and your mind a buzz

Then you wake up in the morning with a mouth full of fuzz.

Oh baby that beer is good for YOU

And. You. Know.

Beer is good for you

beer is good for

Yes its true

Not as good as sex

But its better than jail

Hookers cost but so does bail

Oh beer is cheaper to.

So tell the man behind the bar

B E E R! "

"JOE!"

He stopped abruptly unsure who called for him he drarted swinging his head back and forth drunkenly letting the drunk men pass by him and sing as if nothing happened. As the rest of the drunks passed him he caught sight of me. A bit of worry etched into me when he spotted me, I thought he would run or maybe apologise or something.

He gave a great big smile and slowly stumbled my general direction stammering something about goldeens and dragging the bottle along the ground.

"Du-dude wheer ya been you missed a grate tyme."

"Me? I was walking along when you just disappeared, where were you!?" I questioned angrily. He had wondered off to get drunk, and those dumb drunks let him!

"Wo-wo-wow I didn't dispeer, I wondered off. Ta finds booze" he lifted the bottle as if to make a point. "And I did, misson sucksesfall." He slurred

Geese how drunk was he? There's no telling how much alcohol he's had. Oh man I can't bring him back to the center like this, they'll take away my trainer license for sure. Looks like I'm gonna have to bother my cousin after all.

"Ya know what yar aight fer a ternager" he slurred. "A rittle soft at terms but year alight."

This is perfect just perfect, ugh.

"And give me that!" I snatched the bottle out of his hands to which he pouted as best he could.

"Bat thap's my deer!" He whined before glareing angrily at me. "Gib. It. Beck!" He balled up his fist and punched the back of my knee, making me collapse to the ground and bringing me down to eye level.

'CRACK!'

"OWWW!"

That little turd just punched me in the face!

"WHY!"

"Gim it buck duud."

"Geese! Fine keep it!" I handed the beer back to him, he quickly snatched the almost empty bottle and started to chug rest. With it now depleted he just decided to hug it to his chest as if it were a small child.

"Hheey yous gots a place ta crash fer tanight, I'm getting tered."

Of course don't apologize or anything that would be to nice. I groaned as I lifted my self off the pavement and looked around for a payphone.

"I'll see if I can't get ahold of my cousin."

"Dats ta won wit da ass right?"

Ugh, tonight was going to suck.

$&*$# %*-+% #&*# %

Drunk Joe is best Joe, also you don't just take away his goldeen schnapps.


	7. hang overs SUCK!

Before you ask, no still haven't looked it up. Don't know what I'm talking about? Well fuck you ya idiot.

I still don't own pikachus yellow ass. Trust me, the show would be much different if I did. As in like Ash would be twenty three and not forget how to catch a fucking pokemon every new season. Or just new characters altogether, that would be nice. Ah shit I'm rambling again, fuck it no one reads these things anyway. I know I don't.

%-*##&&$#$&-$##

"So you just found him leading around a parade of drunks down the street like this"

"Yup"

We were very lucky that jasmine, my cousin, was still awake at this hour. I had just finished retelling the events of today and was struggling to keep Joe to stay still.

"So why don't you just put him in his ball until he sobers up." She asked flipping her brown hair out of her face.

"The pokeball keeps them in stasis, so if he stays in there he stays drunk." I explained it was a feature used to keep pokemon alive if something where to happen. Like say a broken arm a bad cut or poison, things like that.

"Dat sournds rike a greete idear." Interjected the extremely drunk fighting type.

"Quite the heavy weight isn't he?"

"I think it cause he's a fighting type. Their really tough you know?'

"Hey yu, umm hot chick." He pointed at Jasmine. "Jibs here says yous gots an nice ass, issat true?"

"He said what!" Her eyes got wide as she looked at me, oh this wasn't good.

"No no no! I didn't say that, he's lying!" I defended. "He's a little trickster, just trying to get us riled up."

"Iam way tuu drunk to be dat crever."

"Your not helping!"

"I'm not tryin to elp." He giggled at himself.

"So you really said that?" She pressed.

"Look it was in the middle of the woods and he-" she cut me off.

"You know what I don't care just... go to bed. You can sleep on the couch."

"What about Joe? How am I going to get him to sleep."

She simply pointed at him I looked down at the little blue puff ball in my arms. He'd passed out, when did he pass out?

"When did he...?"

"Good night Jake" she flipped the light switch as she walked out of the living room.

"What am I going to do with you."

#$-*##$&&$#&-%$ #$#&#%#*#&#%#&$%

Fuuuuck, I am soo hungover. What the hell did I do last night?

"Uuuurgh turn the lights off." I groaned out and threw a pillow over my head in an attempt to block the offending rays of pain.

"Well look who finally awake." Was that a women? Did I score last night? Oh I hope to mew I scored last night it would be so worth it! Wait don't count your pidgeys before they hatch Joe. What if shes ugly, wouldn't be the first time. But first things first.

"Hey, did we fuck last night?" I asked hoping I wouldn't get the shit slapped out of me.

"Wow, wake up with a hangover and the first thing you ask is 'did we fuck?'. I'm impressed, Jake made you sound bad but that was just a whole new level of asshole." Oh shes got a little fight in her I like that, damn hangover is making her voice feel like needles in my brain though.

"Just answer the fucking question." I barked at her.

"Geeze fine, no, we didn't screw, happy?"

"How would not getting laid make me happy?" What? It was a legit question. Where am I is also a good one I suppose, as is the story of last night. Rather interested in that one.

I took the pillow from my head and let my eyes adjust to the light. Wow its fucking bright out, ow my head. As the light dimmed I saw my would be one nighter in all her pajama covered glory. Gotta say, for having bed head from hell she was pretty hot.

"Wow, you wanna make my tail wag?" I wiggled my eye brows suggestively.

"Sorry you must be this tall to ride this rollercoaster." She raised her hand to level with her shoulder and glared at me.

"Wait, does it have to be head to toe, cause I got something in my pants that could fit that description."

"You don't wear pants."

"That just means there's less clothes to take off." Hmm wonder how long I could keep this up, one of us has to give up at some time.

"Ugh, Im going to wake up jake, you stay here and don't fuck with anything." Apparently that long, I win.

She walked off leaving me to try and nurse my hangover. Ugh I need some water, I wonder where the kitchen is.

I looked around to try and get at least an idea of my surroundings. Let's see tiny room, white walls, a pile of dirty clothes and unmentionables and I'm sitting on top of a washing machine. So Laundry room, got it.

My head continued to throb with searing pain as I shifted around.

God that hurts, wait, meds! I'm sure this chick has some pain killers somewhere.

I jumped down from my perch in search for a cure for this evil after effect of a beautiful product. Hmm I wonder what happened exactly last night, if its anything like last time we should leave town soon. Bah that hotel clerk was a dick anyway he deserved the elevator.

Now if I was a really hot chick where would I keep my meds. I can probably cross out 'in my bra' doubt I could get in there anyway.

$$*$+#)##( *#'#+

Sorry sorry, I've had major writers block for awhile. Doesn't help that my brain can only focus on one series at a time. Im not going to lie, you should expect long periods without chapters every now and then.

Do please leave a review on what you thought, it really helps my motivation, which means chapters faster. So that's a thing, alright then.

Bye.


End file.
